crap

crap..i couldn't believe that i actually shaded tears in front of the whole class...and a solicitor, stephen~
omg..it was kinda embarrassing after all...>.<

i had been preparing for last week application for one week..and i thought the most i would be shaking in the class when i talk, just plain simple nervous...i had no expectation that panic shock would struck me and tears just flow out the moment the guest judge asked me a question...stupidity, ain't it?

that wasn't the first time i cried for the week...i had been crying for my two weeks easter break..damn it! how can this actually happen to me...i was asking myself all the time~
stress?
depressed?
tension?
love?
studies?
omg...when i first got the chance to try-out for tele-marketing, i find it interesting and fun until the pressure slowly eats me up, the tense of getting appointment by the end of the work day, at least 2 appointments for trainees, and the target goes up until 4 appointments to see our performance....i couldn't perform~i just got no urge or any will to force people to be interested in an education software when they're not, even if their children really need it, but they're not interested..i just couldn't push them~ when uni starts for the term 2 of semester 1, i went in for another day, the first day of the week, i couldn't perform as well, partly of my voice because of the flu and cold...and i was not in a mood to talk on the phone for 4 hours...too draggy~all the time i was in the office, i was looking at my clock, waiting for 7:30pm to come! when i went in again the next day, my manager asked to talk to me before working time starts, that time, i had already made decision, to quit, i was going to quit after all, the pressure is eating me up too much, i became too depressed for my whole holiday...i really can't bear with it anymore..finally, i quit and i was really relieved after that.

concentrate on studies, that's what i want myself to do at the moment for this year, 2009..perhaps i could get some part-time job to get some extra cash, but i'm picky, i went for training with a sushi bar, i was complaining about the work environment and how i got backache after that, omg...haha...charlotte was saying something like "u're a princess la"...but yeah, i couldn't deny that, i just want a normal and non-hectic life, i suppose...with easy cash coming in without working my ass off?! how dreamy i can be~ haha~ i guess it will take time for me to learn to be more realistic...after all, i had been living under "daddy-mummy" roof for such a long year, pampered by grandparents, maid and the living environment~ i don't really give a thought of how my parents earn money when i was in my teenage, i just spent money, although technically, i don't spend money on shopping because they're always around when we go shopping..we go out as a family, until i reach my college age, only then, i was independent, but still pampered...protected by uncles and aunties in KL~how "xin fu" i can be, i asked myself? i could go back taiping whenever i want to, i can spend money whenever i want to..but after 17 years education of my parents, i do learn something, that is, the Khaw Family (members, incl uncles aunties cousins), we don't spend money wastefully, we spend them wisely, only when we need it..well...hmm..exception for girls i suppose...coz we need to shop to dress up and be pretty! :D

anyway, i've been living a good life, even in adelaide, i couldn't really have problem la...i got a house...a car...
sometimes i really wonder could i be like those rich girl, and be bitchy, and spend money without thinking of how hard my parents earn the money, spend money like it is nothing at all, and people got envy with me because i could just spend on whatever i want?!

haha...well i guess...i could...in my dreams~ :D but afterall, it depends on the nature of the person, whether it is in the nature to spend, as for me, i've been trained not to spend money like that..like the way i wondered if i could, i've been trained to save money, probably i would only spend more abit on shopping whenever i could and whenever i feel worth it...i just couldn't spend my parents' money for nothing or to be a wild child, or rich girl~

see...these are crap i wanted to say for this post...:P